The darkness is there. I see it. It’s always there, but these days it’s so close I can’t look away for fear it will swallow me whole.
It’s always had one finger on the back of my collar but some days the grip is tighter.
Right now it’s so tight I can barely breathe. I’m afraid of the darkness. I’m afraid of what it’s made of. Fear, shame, hatred, sorrow, need.
It’s full of questions. Why? Why me? Why not me? Every doubt I have ever known is in there. Every poisonous thought that has ever snaked through my brain lives there and is waiting for me to drop my guard so that it can grab me and eat me alive.
Every day I fight. Most days I beat it away. Some farther than others. Then there are the days like today, where for no reason, I barely have the strength to fight it anymore.
I sometimes wonder what would happen if I stopped fighting and just let the void grab me. What would happen? Is it truly the black hole it seems?
I’m afraid to find out.